Beneath the worry and stress of essays due...

I haven't gotten over the past yet nor willingly want to yet, but the present, in a familiar yet new form, or rather, the future, is starting to catch up with meeee...

Aarghh this cannot happen now... I can see the similiarities in the past and the now... Two different forms...Could there be two people of almost the same make but of different colour and form be found on two separate places of the world? The wheel of motion is already on the roll i think...but waiiiittt...

I even got a BEAR today. A beany bear. But then again... friends give each other bears right? Lil things to cheer up an otherwise bad day? (cuz i thought my application to the NHS grad thingy was gonna be late due to darned laptop technical problems... it was high stress and almost-tears and all, but it worked out fine in the end... exactly ONE MINUTE from deadline.)

He who still resides in an ambiguous corner of my heart : Why have you ingrained yourself into me so much it's hard to let go even though I already have?

Sans MSN

I GOT A BLOODY MSN VIRUS!! Clicked on a 'pic2038' i thought my friend sent me to look at. And BOOM, bye bye MSN...Am wilting away without the convenience and distraction of MSN as I type away on my assignments. My social life is down the drain..LOL. It's a new virus apparently, and none of our anti-virus things can detect nor get rid of it. So i'm refraining from signing in to MSN until I have time to get it fixed, cuz each time u sign on, it replicates itself and sends itself out to everyone on your list. Grr. Ah well, at least I'm not infecting anyone else, and I CAN GET WORK DONE.

I wonder how he is doing. I get flashbacks of our good times and I miss it. And I miss his warmth. Then I remember that it all happened for a reason. He wasn't a bad guy, he was a gem really. Just that along the way, some things were let to happen when they didn't need to. I'm still haunted by my decision, but there is a time to grieve, and there is a time to move on and grow.

In retrospect, he's the kinda guy I thought I'd end up settling down with. He's something to be real thankful for after Dishonest-to-himself ex number 1 and Psychotic ex number 2.

Ah ex number 1, we're still in contact over MSN (unfortunately for me as he still acts like nothing's happened and nothing's changed and like he still knows me so well, tho that just plain irritates me). When we broke it off I guess we both knew it was coming, it was inevitable and it was mutual. Due to circumstances, he couldn't give 100%, I wasn't gonna give 100%, it wouldn't have worked out anyways. And I'm happy it got resolved. There were just lots of questions in my head and I longed for proper closure for so long. I accepted the outcome, I wouldn't have wanted it to turn out any other way. It took me SO long to get over him though, although I wasn't as mad at myself as I was at him. Two of my phones going missing was a blessing in disguise. Easier to forget what was and what might have been. I think the relationship after him (ex-number 2) was a rebound, just to prove to myself that life isn't that bad. Mistake. BIG MISTAKE. The guy I dated turned out to be a psycho with REAL mental issues. I know. I study Psychology.

Yesterday though, I thought i'd talk to ex.1 about closure over MSN. To get my proper closure, 2 years after it all happened. I wasn't doing it so much for the closure, as I didn't really care anymore nor did it matter. It was more of wanting to know how he fed his pain or regret, if he had any, so I could apply it to what I'm feeling now. Or rather, what i'm not feeling.

I guess the bloody MSN virus is yet another blessing in disguise. A sign that I'm not ready to find out yet. Like how I feel ambivalent right now. I can't force myself to feel anything, maybe because I'm not ready to yet.

Eugh, I can smell perfume. LOTS of it. Seeping through my door... I think my housemate is getting ready for her Greek Party. It smells kinda musky... I read that musk apparently does things to a guy's mind and makes him perceive you as thinner. Boohaha. Good luck with that, Bruce! [SHE who is known as Bruce only due to her uncanny resemblance to Bruce the shark from Finding Nemo. UNCANNY.]

Back to work. Sooo much to do and read it's unbelievable. All to conjure up TWO essays next next Wednesday. STRESS.