Cannibals are fascinating

SOOO SPOOKED... Darn hannibal lecter. I can't believe that after so long of watching Silence of the lambs, watching it again would leave that lingering eerie after-spookiness now. Rach and Reem cooked for a couple of us (Smoky bbq fajitas! Doritos & salsa...mmm) for dinner and we all watched a rented dvd of Hannibal Cannibal earlier. Walking back home with Mel was a nightmare then...peeping over my shoulder every 2 seconds, glaring suspiciously into shadows, jumping ala james-bond-with-arms-stretched-in-gun-pose at every corner... Even though i wasn't AT ALL affected while watching it (every other girl had pillows to their faces, fingers plastered over their eyes and rachel hyperventilating next to me).. I feel and see Hannibal (cleverly played by anthony hopkins, no less) EVERYWHERE now.

It was spooky, but Sue, my supervisor is spookier! I need to get my project proposal draft done tonight...TONIGHHHTT...

I miss him. First day of being 'single' and I'm already missing the warmth. The sturdy reliability of a two-piece jigsaw you know that won't let you down. But strangely enough, has.

Sleep, eat, breathe project proposal

Silence engulfs

And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

The different depths of emptiness and sadness... I feel it all now.

Mon Grand-pere

So busy I haven't had time to breathe, let alone feel. But this is what the weekend is for... SO, HELLO WEEKEND

All I've done this week is drown myself in supervisor meetings, arranging meetings to interview my case studies, staying hours in the library doing project research, and even more hours in the language centre studying for my French test..

And now, another reason to visit the language centre more often - to learn spanish! A couple of friends and I are going to Barcelona, Spain in mid-December. We've booked the flights, 25 pounds return, my friends' are settling accomodation, Mohamed and Paul are gonna get the language books, and I just need to compile an itenary. I'll put my meditating-Tibetian mountains on hold just now. Spain's still a much needed break! MUCH needed.

I know I've been talking about visiting Spain FOREVER... And I've always envisioned it as a couple-trip with him. But I guess if it were so, it would've taken more than the 15 minutes it took us to plan it... and also, with friends, you're guaranteed a good time without tears.

And now... MON GRAND-PERE. Had a dream two nights ago about my grandfather. Woke up teary. He was old and sick and had problems walking. We went early to KL to get a bus to this special bank. The bus made us wait 5 hours. Then when the crowd piled in, the bus moved. And I realized my grandpa was still struggling to catch up with the bus. I kept pleading with the bus driver to stop and turn around to get my grandpa, that he's sick and we've waited 5 hours. With a moody reluctance, he turned around, we searched for my grandpa, found him on the sidewalk, i went down to get him, with a small white furry puppy in my arms. I let the puppy down to help my granpa to the bus, the puppy kissed a baby crawling on the sidewalk, and I woke up.

Kept wishing I could go back to sleep so I can have another few hours with my granpa. It didn't matter that I overslept 2 hours which was supposed to be my project-time, I had 2 hours with my granpa.

Upon consulting my trusty dream dictionary :

BUS - we are aware of the need to be on the move, be with other people, with whom we have a common aim. Arriving too early denotes that we are having difficulty with our external lives and perhaps should re-evaluate how we want to live our lives. Going the wrong way means there are conflicting needs and desires and we need to be aware of our own inner intuition, usually a warning of a wrong action.

BABY - If the baby is someone else', we need to be aware of that person's vulnerability, and to recognize that we cannot interfere in a certain situation. On a spiritual level, the dreamer has a need for a feeling of purity.

Bank - a secure spiritual space, from which we can manage our resources (material, emotional, mental, spiritual). Suggsts resources held in reserve for uses as we need them.

Grandparents - our attitude towards them and to the traditions and beliefs handed down by them

If it applies to one's real life situation as it implies that it does, I kinda think I know what my subconscious is trying to say. And i find comfort in that.

To hurt another is to hurt oneself

Humans are so fragile.

We feel too much. We get hurt too easily. We are fooled into thinking that our evolved mind sets us apart and makes us invincible to hurt and pain... so when we do fall, we fall harder than ever. And it's hard EVERY time.

All suffering makes us appreciate future happiness more, i've been told. It makes the magnitude of joy seem larger. I have yet to confirm that i suppose. All I can feel now is a numbness.

Just so tired out by everything. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to search for phantom answers to hold on to. I can't cause another anymore pain. I wanna collapse into my bed, pull the sheets over, cry my eyes out, and just disappear from the world... crawl into a deep Narnia-like world hidden in my sheets and sit in a rabbit hole, watch the rain fall and go frolicking with the bunnies in a daisy field filled with sunshine. But there's nothing in my sheets but old tears.

I wish I could turn back time to two summers ago. And live every moment under the sun! Or a summer ago...to save it, or prod that someone to save it too. But i guess the only way to correct the past is to move forward... Being stuck in the past only gets you in a neverending loop... a labyrinth of hope and disappointments, a rollercoaster of happiness and uncomprehensible sadness and frustration.

I did what i did, and now I need to heal again. Be strong and hopefully that strength will lead me where I'm meant to be. Perhaps even in the two-piece jigsaw version 1.2. I'm sorry... I owe this to me just NOW.